It’s been far, far too long since I’ve sat down to write. What’s funny is I always hated writing when I was younger (I even despised teaching it) and I don’t know what changed, or when it changed but I discovered it was an amazing outlet to express myself, connect to others, and to just let things out….like screaming into a pillow only pounding on the keyboard, instead.
Almost 3 entire months (!!!) have passed since my last entry. This does not mean that nothing exciting or worth mentioning has happened; actually quite the opposite. In fact, so much has been going on in life that I have been in a weird, dark, unhappy place for a good portion of it and now that I’m finally on my way out of that hole I feel like it’s a good time to write and do some self “healing”. Plus, you know me and I’m not one to shy away from telling it like it is…
So, here’s the deal. In the last two months we sold our home, bought a new home, packed up and moved, AND found out that we are blessed with baby #2 on the way! God (or life, however you care to look at it) didn’t hand me big, sour lemons…I got the damn lemonade, sugar and all!!
So, why did I feel like I was stuck with just some crappy lemons? Great question. I honestly felt like I had my post-partum depression all over again. While everything in life that was happening to us was AMAZING, it was stressful beyond belief. Moving with a toddler is….a challenge, we’ll put it that way. Doing anything with a toddler is a challenge! Add on to the moving being a couple months pregnant and I was set up for a hormonal shit storm and it landed just about as soon as we got into the new house. I was tired…pregnant tired. I started waking up frustrated that I had to “do it all again” and honestly just didn’t feel like myself. Our house was a continuous mess of boxes and crap that we didn’t know where to put because it wasn’t “just right.”
Then these thoughts started crawling through my mind on top of it all:
My husband literally JUST BOUGHT ME A NEW HOUSE
I have a healthy, sweet, adorable little girl who loves me
My body is growing a strong, healthy little boy
…….and I’m not happy?!
Now on top of not feeling happy, I felt guilty for feeling the way I did. Double whammy. Husband to the rescue, though. He asked me to open up to him and then to talk to my doctor. I did, as embarrassing as it was for me. I felt like I was saying “Look how great my life is and look how unhappy I am about it” and felt like an ungrateful B the whole time I cried to her.
Turns out it’s pretty normal. That hormonal shit storm wasn’t a freak of nature accident but actually just the perfect storm considering all the serious life changes I was experiencing. She made me feel better about how I was feeling and I even got put back on Zoloft <– no shame admitting that now.
So, I am back. I have spent the last month or so feeling more and more like myself as I’ve worked on crawling out of the little dark cave I had been in. I’m enjoying my days as a mommy to our sweet girl and thinking about what our days will look like when she has a cute little brother to pick on. I am actually happy again and don’t dread waking up in the mornings, which is an amazing feeling.
I can’t wait to post more frequently about the fun stuff Caitlin and I have been up to and to share ideas with you all. The holiday season is about to kick off and it is truly my most favorite time of the year. I love you all and thanks for letting me be real with you 🙂