The amount of times “write” has been on my to do list is laughable. We’re in the season of life where the to-do lists get lengthy and are often never finished. Instead, I tried making  “need to do” and “want to do” lists thinking I could go back and forth and, while that helped in organizing some of my thoughts, guess what happened? Nothing new, and the “need to do” list took priority just about 100% of the time. Today (with an emotional shove from Dave) I decided to ditch the “need to do” list and am sitting at the computer and writing, which is something that I’ve wanted to do for so very long – it helps free up space in my mind, understand how I’m feeling, and connect with other people. Through conversations with a few different people lately, I’ve realized just how important that connection really is.

I haven’t written in over a year; the last time I did was when we were wrapping up our experience going through a miscarriage that felt like it broke me (you can read about it here if you’re at all interested). The amount of feedback I received after writing what I did was astounding – not because people were supportive of me (they were) but because of the amount of women who reached out and shared with me that they had been through a similar experience but never talked about it with anyone and wish they had because they felt so alone. That broke my heart even more and made me realize why it’s so important to share the crap and all the ugly stuff that doesn’t look just like rainbows and unicorns –  we all know how easy it is to hop on Facebook or IG and see everyone’s highlight reel.

I’ve always been a perfectionist and felt like if things aren’t perfect, they’re not worth doing or sharing. I know, it’s a terrible quality to have. In a sense, it’s been a big deterrent from my writing because I’m clearly not a blogger with this massive following. I’m not helping tons of people. I’ve realized though, through reflection on my experience last year and some recent conversations, that I’ve helped some people and that’s truly all I want and hope for. It’s so easy to think that we’re adults and should all have our life together by now – feeling that sense of connection with other people through sharing experiences is so important! If I can share what I’m going through, good or bad, and help someone else be it a friend or a stranger across the internet in one way or another, then I’m happy I’ve shared.

• Recently, a friend mentioned and referenced my post about things I learned about having two kids and at first it took me by surprise that not only had it been read, but also remembered. {Expect an update on that one since we’re expecting our THIRD baby in less than 2 weeks!}
• Someone working on me at my chiropractor’s office told me she doesn’t usually ask the questions she does (family/mom life type things) but that “I’m just that kind of person that she feels she can with” <- Once again kind of shocking, because I know my RBF and introverted-ness can be real at times haha!
• Lastly, a card I received at my most recent baby shower for our newest addition that put me in tears: “Your realness and honesty about motherhood helps so many moms. Thank you!”

I’m so far from perfect and most of the time have no clue what I’m doing and just try to make it through the day. I’m trying to find the tiny slivers of happiness in the imperfect moments and grow through them, knowing that it’s progress and not perfection that is going to guide me. There have certainly been highlights but in the last couple of years I’ve attempted to go back to work, lost close friendships, had my marriage nearly fall apart, gone through depression and anxiety, experienced the loss of a pregnancy, been to therapy, completely cut ties with my mom (my only living parent and blood relative within 1500 miles), and prepared for the birth of my third (and last!) baby. It’s been freaking hard. I always laugh when people tell me I seem like I’m so put together because I know how much I’m not. I’m just working very hard on learning, growing, and not worrying about every little thing so damn much.

I know my life is about to be turned upside down with a newborn again but I also know that writing – and sharing! – is my way of grounding myself and building connections and I have every intention to write about the experiences our family goes through as I maneuver through motherhood from the beginning, alllll over again…oh, and the bill for the auto renew on my domain/website just went through so there is one more reason to keep writing 😉 I hope you join me as I share!

Baby Bump #3!

Our last holiday before we’re a party of 5!