My babies, I’m so sorry

I just had to edit the date of this entry…I started writing this almost 3 weeks ago. I didn’t get far because I didn’t know how to write down the best words to convey what I was feeling, or if I really even wanted to share. I actually questioned today if PPD can rear its ugly head this late post-baby (5 months out). Unlike my experience after Caitlin, I’m not sad, but instead I’m always anxious, on-edge, or, lately, irritated. It’s hard to discern if it’s something to concern myself with or if this is just life with a toddler and a small baby. So, today I realized it was time to finish this post and that putting this out there was going to be ok.

My sweet babies, I’m so sorry.
On days like today, when I sit in the car and silently cry as I drive out of the parking lot, I am so sorry. I don’t feel like a great mom. Sometimes I wish I were your age so I could scream and cry as loud as I wanted until someone gave me a hug or a kiss or my favorite food to help cheer me up.

 – I’m sorry that you guys aren’t getting the best version of myself. I’m especially sorry that 1) Caitlin got the “guinea pig” mommy who had to learn through experience and 2) Alex gets a more experienced but “incredibly distracted by toddler” mommy. Guilt all around.

– I’m sorry that I secretly love when you both fall asleep in the car so I can grab some coffee in a drive through and just sit in silence. Or read. Or not feel guilty about being on my phone.

 Today’s sanity saver brought to you buy a dual car nap and some iced coffee and reading.

– I’m sorry I struggle and sometimes question if we should have another baby in the family. I know it’s early, but I very much want another brother or sister for you..but this is hard work and I’m already outnumbered. Life changing decisions are so, so hard.

– I’m sorry you both have to cry more than you should have to. Hearing the cries breaks my heart but I can only do so much at once.

– I’m sorry I have to prioritize your needs and yours might get pushed aside at times. They’re all important, I know that. I’m trying.

– I’m sorry sometimes the playmat and the TV are your babysitters while I try and get something done. I wish I could prioritize my own needs and lists better but I’m still learning too.

– I’m sorry getting out the door to go anywhere takes for-freaking-ever and I’m often not in the best of moods in the process. I’m also sorry that we almost always forget something and I have to turn the car around immediately and it only prolongs us even more.

– I’m sorry I want time away from you. I love you. I literally MADE YOU. But sometimes…I just need to not be touched or talked to.

– I’m sorry I get so upset over silly things – ripping out a ponytail, taking your shoes off in the car, losing your sunglasses. They’re inconsequential, but I forget that in the moment.

– I’m sorry (this one hurts to acknowledge) I sometimes miss my pre-mom life. I miss listening to whatever music at whatever volume I wanted in the car. I miss going to Vegas. I miss the spontaneity and freedom I had. I’ll never use you as an ‘excuse’ but life was rather simple without you. Not for one second do I think it was better; I just miss the ease and which I could grab my keys and go without a second thought.

I’m not sorry for the love in which you have graced this family with. It is seriously the best thing in the world. I did not know I could ever love anything as much as I love the two of you.

I’m not sorry for the unbreakable bond and friendship you have with one another. I saw the smiles and giggles you gave each other the other day when I was in the kitchen…I don’t know if I was supposed to see it or if it was the beginning of your “Robinson Siblings VS The World” secret glance but I saw it and it made me realize that even as hard as all of this is, it’s going to get good. Then better. Then the best. I never had a brother or sister to share life with so I am SO excited to give you that opportunity, no matter how stressed out and anxious I am.

 I’m not sorry for how much I love you. Caitlin already knows how to say it and I know Alex will one day as well…to the moon and back.

I love you to the moon and back.

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