The Unspoken Guilt

T-minus 33 days (hopefully) until our newest family addition will make his appearance into the world. This, in other words, means I am a hormonal, waddling mess who happens to look like I am smuggling a watermelon under my shirt everywhere I go while attempting to look put together. It’s fabulous, really.

But here is the thing…throughout all the happiness of this pregnancy, I have also grown increasingly sad about one thing: my daughter. My beautiful, sassy, energetic, lovable daughter. She’s absolutely amazing and my best friend so why am I so sad? My time with just her is coming to an end.

This little girl made me a mommy. I left my job to stay home with HER. We make family decisions based on what would be best for HER. Dave and I spent countless days and nights figuring out how to be parents to HER since apparently she lost the manual on her way out (thanks, kid). She has literally been my world since she came into it and now I’m going to have to share my time, attention, and love and I’m not totally sure how that’s supposed to happen.

 Caitlin and I had a rough start. She wasn’t the easiest of babies, to say the least. Once we grew to like each other, I found myself enamored with Caitlin. I stared at her all day each day and felt like it still wasn’t enough time. As she grew up and started experiencing the world around her, I enjoyed being home with her more and more. I moved past all the emotional roller coasters like not being able to read her books without crying and felt like I finally had this mom thing down. So much so that I knew we were ready for another sweet baby. We tried and we got exactly what we wanted!

 Only a few more weeks to go!

 Now, here I am right back at the beginning again. I stare at Caitlin all day. I have her sweet scent and beautiful profile memorized, know exactly what the weight of her laying on me feels like, and pretty much melt every time she smothers me with kisses. I can’t even do the normal things anymore without crying – the girl has gone down for a nap the last week with wet hair because I find myself crying while I rock her to sleep. Enter even more tears when she looks up at me because I’m crying and says “Oh no, momma!” and gives me a kiss. It’s almost like I’m mourning my time with her. It’s not going to end but I know it’s going to be drastically different and that’s a hard pill to swallow.

But there is beauty in all of this even though I’m feeling guilty about bringing home a new baby. Each time I’m with Caitlin feeling even more guilt or sadness, I am suddenly kicked and punched from inside and reminded that he is actually already with us, sharing time with us and participating in the moment the only way he knows how. It’s a beautiful reminder that I’m already the mommy of two wonderful babies. And amazingly enough, even though she’s getting kicked, Caitlin hugs and kisses my belly because she knows her baby brother is in there. She got the privilege of being our one and only sweet baby for almost two whole years.  Two whole years of being loved on by me and Dave. Alex is never going to get that. He’s going to be welcomed into our fun, crazy family where there is already a big sister who he has to share time with. It’s going to be hard but I know it’ll be ok…Caitlin kisses and Alex kicks tell me it is.

 xoxo
Courtney

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